:: Poetry ::

:: Wednesday, February 27, 2002 ::

Paul, villanelle -- ambitious -- mainly working -- my telegraphic style of writing -- ending now.

OK, Though you say you are not wedded to to the form, I think you're pretty much stuck. If you unravel too many loose ends in a piece like this, I think it's going to fall apart on you entirely. But that's okay, you want to keep it as is because this is a good villanelle with some great lines (right now, I'm muttering "You bastard" under my breath, but take that as a compliment).

What's working best: The line "We make love once a month and die in our sleep" is good in all of its permutations, as is "We want to ask each other what's left to keep." I also like "The speech of dreams goes unmentioned...," "we don't hold between us in the leaps / from death to breath and back again to night." The variations, too, are really good, keeping the poem surprising and turning it at all the right spots.

What's holding the poem back for me: There are a few lines that don't seem as tight as the rest of the poem, and these are bringing down the dramatic tension, I think. "Of course ... heap," "Turn over here ... not right," "the way ... to help," "with this ... escape," and "this wish ... flightless" seem more prosy than the rest of the poem and seem to be working too hard to advance the dramatic situation. Also, while I really love the beginning of the line "It seems a shame we've portioned out," I think that "the rate of love" is a letdown in that "rate" seems a forced mis-rhyme. "Weep," too, seems forced both for the rhyme and the tone; if the woman is talking, I have trouble hearing her refer to the man's crying as weeping. Finally, while I love the title, I think that "Uncurled from the tongue of sleep and forgetfulness" should be saved for another day.

Overall, I really admire this poem for what it says and how it accomplishes it. However, I guess I just want to see the middle lines of the final two stanzas have the same intensity and naturalness (is that a word?) as the rest of the poem.
:: Rob 2/27/2002 11:24:00 AM [+] ::
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Paul, I just wanted you to know that I printed it up, and will have a post up IN SEVERAL DAYS.
:: Sean 2/20/2002 02:43:00 PM [+] ::
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As I explained in my post, which you were too busy eating BAP to read, is that there is no major change. We couldn't get to some of the old posts before. Now it goes back to november. There. But now you mention it, let's have some different colors!!
:: Sean 2/13/2002 11:09:00 AM [+] ::
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BAP is a tasty, crusty roll. Mmmmmmm, Best American Produce.
:: Rob 2/13/2002 09:18:00 AM [+] ::
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You guys are too sweet. Thanks. I had fun writing it, and I'll send it somewhere for sure. Rob, I see you were rejected by "The Onion Fucker Review" as well. Sorry. I think that I'll change "inside" near the end to "within" but tell me if that's too poeticy, and I'll try breaking out of the shape of the poem, but that's really what saved the thing in the first place--being forced to shorten my lines. I'll try it and see if I can live with how it looks. I see what you're saying though. The real reason I'm writing this is to ask if you guys think the 2001 Best American is confusing. I have found some good ones for me--Lucia's poem I'd read before but still really like, and I liked Bishop's, but much of the book I can't understand. I'll spend more time on it and all, but I was wondering what you thought. It's all

the magic-markered mugs
of afronauts
with new spaceships
not manufactured

up south. . . .

Any comments? There are some ponderous poems here. And Paul, I think you're it when you want. I do like the idea Josh had of slack. So, when you're ready.

:: Sean 2/10/2002 10:13:00 AM [+] ::
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From: Muscle-Bound Rob
Sean, like everyone else, I don't think there's much for to say; the poem is really about done and ready to send out (to someplace really good too, not "The Onion Fucker Review"). Just to wake things up, I thought about beginning this post by saying, "Wow. I've really got to disagree with you guys on this one. This poem makes dogshit pallatable by comparison. I'd bite off my right ball to keep from writing this poem." Of course, I didn't say that.

My only suggestion would be to consider the last line. I'm always wary about one word on a line by itself, even when it's a heavy-hitter like "heart." It draws alot of attention to itself, and to be honest, I think the word is on the line by itself to fufill the visual form and not the rhythm. To me, I hear "your open heart" all on one line for one reason: if the heart is open, I want a rhythm that mimics that. Having the poem contract completely to a point on the word "heart" seems to work against that sentiment rhythmically. In other words, it seems as if the poem wants to open up rather than contract on that last line. I could be over-thinking this one though.

Great lines, great images -- send send send.
:: Rob 2/09/2002 02:10:00 PM [+] ::
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You're right Paul. I figure if you can't steal from yourself (or your friends) then what. Glad to hear from you again, and look forward to getting your comments.
:: Sean 2/07/2002 11:44:00 AM [+] ::
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Only change really is the word "prickle" not "nourish" which sounded a bit sweet. Does "charm your father" work. I kind of would like for this guy to want to be tough--SUV, prickle, seed etc, but ultimately to be suburban. Does "sleep inside your heart" work?


I want

to ring the word “darling” into your wet mouth
to seed your pager with gentle obscenities
to sparkle your lawn with tonic and gin
to SUV my hands around your hips
to diesel my voice into your neck
to email your bedroom smell
to the bachelors of Chicago
to prickle you with kisses
to surrender, my outlaw
to charm your father
to finish this note
to sleep inside
your open
heart


:: Sean 2/06/2002 10:11:00 AM [+] ::
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Here you go. Thank you Josh. I love your idea and made some really funny joke about it in a post, but it's lost somewhere. What is that Poe wrote about unheard melodies (or was that purloined claret--haw haw). I thought a real place where it's cold and full of bachelors (what a great word) like Chicago would work better than Atlantis. Thanks buddy.


I want

to ring the word "darling" into your wet mouth
to seed your pager with gentle obscenities
to sparkle your lawn with tonic and gin
to SUV my hands around your hips
to diesel my voice into your neck
to email your bedroom smell
to the bachelors of Chicago
to nourish you with kisses
to surrender, my outlaw
to charm your father
to finish this note
to sleep inside
your open
heart


:: Sean 2/05/2002 04:00:00 PM [+] ::
...

Oh really, what the hell. I mean it's just poetry right? Hope this finds you well. I'll have questions for you later, and as you know, perhaps a revision in an hour or so.

I want

to ring the word “darling” inside your wet mouth
to seed your pager with gentle obscenities
to sparkle your lawn with tonic and gin
to SUV my hands around your hips
to diesel my voice into your neck
to email your bedroom smell
to nourish you with kisses
to surrender, my outlaw
to charm your father
to finish this note
to sleep inside
your open
heart


:: Sean 2/05/2002 09:47:00 AM [+] ::
...